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6/19/11 04:21 pm - june - you are the fucking worst
Before he died, my dad wrote a letter that was to be placed in my high school graduation card. I have it tucked away. Occasionally it gets read. He knew he would die before I graduated, so in the letter, he refers to himself as if he is dead - saying things like, "Even though I am not there," etc. Clearly, a tough read. I've read it maybe 4-7 times in my life and he died 10 years ago on the 27th of this month. or maybe the 25th. still an awful daughter!
He went at such an gross time in my life. I was crazy and suck-tastic. I became more crazy and more suck-tastic after he died, but I was still not a pleasant person in his last years. This may or may not have been influenced by the fact I was dealing with the prolonged illness of my father. Even if that was the case, I could have handled myself better. More to the point: I didn't get along with my dad. That started before he was sick, and did not resolve before he died. He sometimes would ask me if I hated him. If you ever need to have your shittiness proved to you, have a 130 pound sickly man who happens to be your dad ask you if you hate him. The only reason I was not daddy's little girl was because I rejected his advanced at it.
We were complete opposites. Which isn't just a phrase. At that point in my life, when meyers-briggs was more applicable, I was an ENFP. My dad was a solid ISTJ. complete opposites. I started playing mtg in 1995. I was REALLY into dogs. Two things that lead you into complete nerdom by 12. I "acted" I "painted" I played piano. (no quotes as this was a thing I not only enjoyed, but could actually do well) I was full on expecting to go to college for piano performance. My dad... did not do that shit. I will forever be grateful for the countless hours of bad acting, choral concerts, and prolonged piano concerts that man sat through for me. He was an accountant. He fished. He yelled at the tv when the sports were happening. He gave more than two shits about his car. (side note, he had to get rid of his 1976 triple black impala in order to afford the bills that were thrust upon them by me ol' blind eye.) But beyond being different in what we liked, we were also completely different as people.
This is getting long. Point: we were different. moving forward!
Remember that letter he wrote me that I talked about a long ass time ago? In it he says, "I will always be with you." Which is most likely meant in a religious way. My mom told me that he said we'd already be in heaven when he died as it wouldn't be his heaven if we weren't there. I assume he was referring to that belief. (I am balling right now.) Either way, I have the full blown atheism. The "always with you" thing continually tripped me up. I thought it would mean more if I did believe in god. It would remind me that he would be disappointed if he would have known I didn't believe in anything. Or it would remind me that he died thinking he was going to be greeted by his family, but instead he just died.
It's now almost 10 years later, and I am my father incarnate. I HATE acting and I totally cannot paint! Hooray! Piano is a hobby and not a career. I have a math degree to match his accounting degree. I have no sense of what is appropriate to talk about while eating, and neither did he. On top of that, I also see his influence in how much I love fart jokes. If you think that's stupid, live my life then tell me you don't love fart jokes because of my dad. asshole.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY! The way I see people. The way I act around people. The way I see myself. From what I can tell, is exactly as my father did. That man put his foot in his mouth. often. And it is clear to me why he did. Recently I asked a girl, who I *wanted* to be friends with, if he had adhd... after I saw her dance. yup. My dad and I are all up on this shitty train of making people feel bad without realizing it. I know (as it's how I feel) that he liked certain people so much, he was totally oblivious to hurting their feelings as there wasn't a negative thought about that person inside of him. Which is the worst excuse ever. "I hurt your feelings because I think you're so great!!" but it is how it is. I can see how my dad thought, how he was lead to his actions, and how he reacted to them as it's exactly as I do. If you were wondering, that girl did not have adhd. we are also not friends.
There's so much more, but I want to stop typing soon. Point: we're now really alike. people change!
Now that "always be with you" line has came to mean something different. He really is always with me as he is in everything I do and think. When someone cuts me off and I follow them to their destination because anger has filled my being, that's my dad. When I start to feel overly insecure about some small thing I said to someone, that's my dad. When I champ things of a mathematical nature, that's my dad. and my god I want him to know. I wish he would have known that not only did I not hate him, but I would grow to be exactly like him. That I really was a daddy's girl, but just a total asshole about it. I want to be able to talk to him about cars while drinking beer and having various gasses come out of our various gas releasing areas. I want to argue with him in a way where it makes him proud that I'm no longer a complete idiot.
obviously there's so much more. this isn't an end. i can no longer type.
He went at such an gross time in my life. I was crazy and suck-tastic. I became more crazy and more suck-tastic after he died, but I was still not a pleasant person in his last years. This may or may not have been influenced by the fact I was dealing with the prolonged illness of my father. Even if that was the case, I could have handled myself better. More to the point: I didn't get along with my dad. That started before he was sick, and did not resolve before he died. He sometimes would ask me if I hated him. If you ever need to have your shittiness proved to you, have a 130 pound sickly man who happens to be your dad ask you if you hate him. The only reason I was not daddy's little girl was because I rejected his advanced at it.
We were complete opposites. Which isn't just a phrase. At that point in my life, when meyers-briggs was more applicable, I was an ENFP. My dad was a solid ISTJ. complete opposites. I started playing mtg in 1995. I was REALLY into dogs. Two things that lead you into complete nerdom by 12. I "acted" I "painted" I played piano. (no quotes as this was a thing I not only enjoyed, but could actually do well) I was full on expecting to go to college for piano performance. My dad... did not do that shit. I will forever be grateful for the countless hours of bad acting, choral concerts, and prolonged piano concerts that man sat through for me. He was an accountant. He fished. He yelled at the tv when the sports were happening. He gave more than two shits about his car. (side note, he had to get rid of his 1976 triple black impala in order to afford the bills that were thrust upon them by me ol' blind eye.) But beyond being different in what we liked, we were also completely different as people.
This is getting long. Point: we were different. moving forward!
Remember that letter he wrote me that I talked about a long ass time ago? In it he says, "I will always be with you." Which is most likely meant in a religious way. My mom told me that he said we'd already be in heaven when he died as it wouldn't be his heaven if we weren't there. I assume he was referring to that belief. (I am balling right now.) Either way, I have the full blown atheism. The "always with you" thing continually tripped me up. I thought it would mean more if I did believe in god. It would remind me that he would be disappointed if he would have known I didn't believe in anything. Or it would remind me that he died thinking he was going to be greeted by his family, but instead he just died.
It's now almost 10 years later, and I am my father incarnate. I HATE acting and I totally cannot paint! Hooray! Piano is a hobby and not a career. I have a math degree to match his accounting degree. I have no sense of what is appropriate to talk about while eating, and neither did he. On top of that, I also see his influence in how much I love fart jokes. If you think that's stupid, live my life then tell me you don't love fart jokes because of my dad. asshole.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY! The way I see people. The way I act around people. The way I see myself. From what I can tell, is exactly as my father did. That man put his foot in his mouth. often. And it is clear to me why he did. Recently I asked a girl, who I *wanted* to be friends with, if he had adhd... after I saw her dance. yup. My dad and I are all up on this shitty train of making people feel bad without realizing it. I know (as it's how I feel) that he liked certain people so much, he was totally oblivious to hurting their feelings as there wasn't a negative thought about that person inside of him. Which is the worst excuse ever. "I hurt your feelings because I think you're so great!!" but it is how it is. I can see how my dad thought, how he was lead to his actions, and how he reacted to them as it's exactly as I do. If you were wondering, that girl did not have adhd. we are also not friends.
There's so much more, but I want to stop typing soon. Point: we're now really alike. people change!
Now that "always be with you" line has came to mean something different. He really is always with me as he is in everything I do and think. When someone cuts me off and I follow them to their destination because anger has filled my being, that's my dad. When I start to feel overly insecure about some small thing I said to someone, that's my dad. When I champ things of a mathematical nature, that's my dad. and my god I want him to know. I wish he would have known that not only did I not hate him, but I would grow to be exactly like him. That I really was a daddy's girl, but just a total asshole about it. I want to be able to talk to him about cars while drinking beer and having various gasses come out of our various gas releasing areas. I want to argue with him in a way where it makes him proud that I'm no longer a complete idiot.
obviously there's so much more. this isn't an end. i can no longer type.
